AXIOMS FOR A MORE PEACEFUL EXISTENCE

1. A day without sunshine is like...night

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers

3. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5. Remember, ½ the people you know are below average

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest

7. The early bird may get the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese in the trap

8. Support Bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have

9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

12. How many of you believe in Psycho kinesis? Raise my hand

13. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared ½ to death twice?

20. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

21. Why do Psychics have to ask you for your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

23. Just remember – If the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

NEW WORDS FOR 2007

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking cr@p.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and then leaves .

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarified organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" – needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSH!T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh!t with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

A CATTLE STORY

A Queensland farmer was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.

The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the drover, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs, "Why not?"

The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC- connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right." says the farmer. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.

"Hey," muses the farmer, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"

The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.

"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle. Now, give me back my bloody dog."

IMPOSSIBLE TASK

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the bloody map again."

IMPOSSIBLE TASK

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the bloody map again."

THE EXCHANGE STUDENT

It was the first day of school and a new exchange student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

Very good!" said the teacher.

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" again no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!" Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

THE CALL

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams!
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says, we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your bloody sister in Darwin and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting bloody divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

FLIES

SHE LIKED THESE

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check out queue pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"
***
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we are both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes.
They were seated immediately.
***
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
***
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.
***
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was “a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was 'a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives.”
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!”
***
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. ooking up, he asks the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies: “A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
***
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife; spoke to her on the telephone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison”.

THE FUNERAL

Fred's will and testament provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."

FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says,



"No, I'm your son's maths teacher."


OOPS!!!

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN AUSTRALIAN

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth

IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN SEND THIS ON!!

THE LOVING HUSBAND

MOTHER IN LAW

A couple were going out for the evening. They were ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

SLEEPING WITH PATIENTS

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients. They made mad, passionate love, and he felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave............."

"Dave............"

"Dave............"


"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".

SEX FAIRY

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KIDS

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" said Adam.
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THIS STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

CORONER'S REPORT contributed by Pellucidon

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body, Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the Third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

SOMEONE HAS TO DO THE JOB

OPTICAL ILLUSION

WHEN IT'S ALL RIGHT TO SAY THE "F" WORD

SENIOR HUMOUR

AT THE DOCTOR'S
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked "NO REFILLS".

IN HOSPITAL
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ..... your mother is going to come And live with you and your wife."

AGING
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the Roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging iIs that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, But being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

GOLF
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf .

A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

STOLEN WHEELS

Witness Search

Good morning to you all.
This is a call for anyone who might have witnessed the following:
Yesterday while I was out of the office having coffee (between 10am and 4pm) all my wheels were stolen and replaced with bricks.

I am well behind with my work and now I have to waste may time with these stupidities and on top of that I will be fired from my job.

If anyone of you my dear friends, has seen anything, please let me know. I could even go as far as offering a reward to whoever helps me.\

Thank you in anticipation.

PS: Attached is a photo taken at the scene of the crime (theft with irritating consequences).

AN ECHIDNA WITH HAY FEVER

WHAT DENTISTS LAUGH AT

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. No way! No
needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
No,"-
the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"
It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth out..

PHARMACY JOKE

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

IT TAKES ALL KINDS

RAKING: Hard Yakka, Addiction, Therapy or Art Form?

Having spent most of my adult life living in the inner city, where my gardening talents extended no further than the care of a few select court yard or balcony pots, in 1986 I found myself the keeper of nearly an acre of barely tamed jungle in the Dandenong Ranges. The tamed part of this property was a maze of garden paths and rocked staircases, which gave definition to this jungle cliff scape.

Not knowing where to start my new gardening career, and with plenty of work to do on my new dwelling, I decided to employ my usual strategy – when in doubt – do nothing. Within a few weeks I found that the safe arrival and departure to my dwelling was going to require me to rake.

I immediately purchased a cheap plastic leaf rake and commenced what I considered necessary hard yakka. On completion of my task, I was overcome with a sense of satisfaction and was compelled to sit outside and admire my work. Next morning, following an overnight summer northerly blow, I realized, that like sweeping or vacuuming, this was going to be a repetitive task. Quickly I became obsessed and included raking as part of my weekly regime. The feelings of satisfaction and admiration for the outcome of my labors also increased.

In early autumn, we experienced a wet spell. Raking was off. Weekend after weekend it rained. I found myself experiencing feelings of frustration and loss; a very bad case of cabin fever. The rake, which at this stage was worn to a scraper, lay idle.

Being professionally immersed in the study of addictive behavior, I had to ask – am I grieving the loss of my addiction – raking? Having found myself stating that what I needed was a good rake, I also needed to ask, what did raking do for me? The answer was early found – raking had become my relaxation therapy – time outside in fresh air, steady medium level activity with good muscle stretching and a pleasing rhythm, which led to unraveling of thoughts and emotions. All this combined with a very pleasing outcome, which offered the sense of a job well done.

I have now been raking for nearly 10 years and loving it. The purchasing of rakes has also held a great interest – the search for the perfect rake!

Nearly 5 years ago I was given the Rolls Royce of rakes as a birthday gift from dear friends who appreciated the positive role of raking in my life. This job has led to the next stage in the development of my raking career - creative raking.

The Japanese have developed raking to the level of art form, as they have with paper folding and bonsai. I can’t say that I have gone quite this far, but the use of patterned strokes, my favorites herringbone and circular sweeps, has added the important quality of creative expression to my pursuit.

So in summary I can say that my raking career has been a developmental process of great physical and psychological benefit, and one, which I hope to continue into very old age. I urge you to join me in this most pleasing pursuit.

PROCTOLOGIST RETIREMENT PARTY

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery....................................The study of paintings.
Bacteria................................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..................................What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean ............................Section A neighbourhood in Rome.
Cat scan................................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.............................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.....................................A sheep dog.
Coma....................................A punctuation mark.
Dilate...................................To live long.
Fester...................................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...................................A small lie.
Impotent..............................Distinguished, well known.
Labour..................................Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical................................Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.................................A higher offer.
Nitrates................................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.....................................I knew it.
Outpatient...........................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis....................................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post......................................Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.....................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................................Nearly killed him.
Secretion.............................Hiding something.
Seizure.................................Roman emperor.
Tablet...................................Small table.
Terminal Illnes.....................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...............................One plus one more.
Urine...................................Opposite of you're out.

AS I WALKED DOWN THE FOOTPATH.......

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possesion in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

*
*
*
*
*

I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.

WHEN I GROW UP.............

NEW DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of a cave were the above symbols.

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......It says:

'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

LEATHER

SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!

MALE or FEMALE?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in George Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by train.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

ECONOMIC RATIONALISM GONE MAD

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. The Internet, home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated; The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French; The four calling birds were replaced by an interactive voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked; The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order; The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one; The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement; As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work politicians. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed politicians next year; Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line; We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

NEW ANTI TERRORIST PROPAGANDA WEAPON (Please click on the picture)

THIS IS AMAZING (Not a joke)

WORKERS COMPENSATION

An Australian, and Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out : "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of stout forJesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"

Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the stout. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock:

"By Jove, the migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says:

"Back off, mate! I'm on Worker's Compensation!!"

AT THE RACES

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.?
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one -- holding onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift."

THE MALE BRAIN

COSTITUTIONAL PREAMBLE

After little Johnny's had a go, this is our version of the Constitutional Preamble...

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our nationalculture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with rednecks remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine could get 24,000 votes and run the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase. We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all. While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that. Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

SHEEP DOG

I FOUND A GREAT BARBECUE AT THE SUPERMARKET. YOU CAN FIT A WHOLE PIG IN IT.

WEDDING CAKE

PSALM 28

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

AND NOW PLEASE LOOK AT "The Moods Of A Man"

THE MOODS OF A MAN

FORGET IT FRANK