AXIOMS FOR A MORE PEACEFUL EXISTENCE

1. A day without sunshine is like...night

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers

3. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5. Remember, ½ the people you know are below average

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest

7. The early bird may get the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese in the trap

8. Support Bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have

9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

12. How many of you believe in Psycho kinesis? Raise my hand

13. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared ½ to death twice?

20. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

21. Why do Psychics have to ask you for your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

23. Just remember – If the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.